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Anatomy of A Divorce
The Legal and Emotional Maze
by Andrew H. Sargent, MBA, JD

A dissolution is a legal process which you must go through in order to end your marriage. Below are the things a court will and will not do and the legal steps in a dissolution. This is followed by some insight into the emotional maze you are lost in and ending with final comments for both the men and the women. I hope this article is helpful to you and don't forget you can give feedback via the e-mail link.

What the Court Will & Will Not Do
A Map of The Legal Maze

The Court will do some things. It will:

1. End the marriage
2. Divide the assets
3. Divide the debts
4. Approve a parenting plan
5. Determine the amount of child support
6. Determine the amount of spousal support
7. Change your name if you want
8. Issue restraining orders if necessary
9. Enforce the orders if needed.

The Court will not:

1. Say your were right
2. Punish your ex for ?????
3. Reward you for your tolerance for all those years
4. Care he/she was unfaithful, lied, cheated etc. etc.

The Legal Steps in a Divorce.

The Easy Way... In Washington it takes at least 90 days to obtain a dissolution. In California it takes at least 6 months. Other states each have their own rules and time lines so check with an attorney licensed in your state regarding time but generally the process is the same.

1. One parties files for dissolution. This spouse is now known as the Petitioner.
2. The other spouse has 20 days to respond in Washington, 30 days in California.
3. If the parties agree, a final set of forms is prepared, both sign them and only one of them has to appear in court.
4. The petitioner usually appears in court with the signed documents, the court reviews them and signs then and grants the divorce..

The Hard Way...

1. One parties files for dissolution. This spouse is now known as the Petitioner.
2. The other spouse has 20 days to respond in Washington. 30 days in California.
3. The parties disagree on everything. They schedule a number of OSCs (Order to Show Cause hearings) on one or more of the following issues: Parenting Plan, Child Support, Spousal Support, Property Division, Debts owed, Community Property etc.
4. The OSC is normally done by written documents unless either side requests oral testimony. A guardian Ad Litem is appointed and an investigation of both parents is made. The guardian makes a recommendation to the court on the parenting plan. The judge rules on each and every issue and discovery motion.
5. One party makes the accusation of child abuse, child neglect or child molestation.
6. Child Protective Services and the police enter the picture. It really gets ugly.
7. Expensive discovery take place on both sides.
8. Assets are hidden and transferred.
9. Most if all assets are found, accurate financial prepared, charges are cleared or proven and the court makes a decision.
10. he divorce is granted.

Note the end is the same - the difference is the process. One is easy. The other is expensive and emotionally destructive to all parties.

The Emotional Maze
Divorce is an emotional process the moves you from loving spouse to single person. It is not a court battle or legal procedure. It is the death of a relationship. It takes time to travel the path and usually you and you spouse are at different points along the path.

Some studies show the process takes about two years from the first thought to the end of the relationship. One party starts down the path. The other may go into denial or continue with the conduct that is causing or contributing to the relationships death.

It is not necessary to assign blame or cause. All you need to understand is that it is a process and it takes time. The final death of the relationship may not be the court decision. It can happen later and for some it never happens. Did you even talk to someone about their divorce only to find out it happened 20 years ago. To the person it was yesterday - they have not let it go and ended the relationship. You will know the relationship is over when the other person does not enter your thinking except when triggered by an outside event.

If you have children then your relationship will never end. What you are doing is defining the new relationship. You are bound to the other parent by your children. In this case your goal is to be neutral. To not damage the relationship of your children with their other parent.

Remember - no matter how bad you think your ex is - that is their parent - they must deal with him/her - it is their problem, not yours. (The exception to this position of course is physical danger, sexual abuse etc. when you must protect your children) All you can do is make sure they understand you are there for them and they can depend upon you to be there. Your relationship is yours, your ex-spouse relationship with them is her/his problem.

Common Feelings
Anger, rage, betrayal, desperation, depression, loss of worth, loss of self esteem, grief, fear, fear, fear. These are normal and part of the grieving process. Find a support group and/or set up a support network for yourself. You are not crazy you are normal.

Do not expect to agree on much with your ex. If you agreed you would not be getting a divorce. Try to be reasonable and listen to your attorney. My own divorce attorney bluntly told me that my ex and I could not go into McDonalds together and come with a hamburger. And that was when McDonalds only served hamburgers before they got fancy. Focus on the future not the anger and past.

A Word to the Men
Yes, you too will feel these same things. In addition, you may also suddenly suffer from impotence or have other sexual problems. Relax - emotions are very strong and it will pass. Find a support group where you can talk and open up. Being brave or macho just keeps the pain inside. It does not help you move through the process.

If the kids spend the majority of time with their mother this does not mean you are not part of their lives. Your relationship with your children is yours. You will make it grow or you will kill it. She can not destroy your bond with your children- only you can do that. Your children are hurting too so make sure they know you are there for them. Set up a special place in your home that is theirs. This can help you and them know they are still an important part of your life.

Call them - be interested in the day to day things of their lives. Encourage them to call and share success and failures with you. Take time and stop when they do call. In other words - simply be there for them when and where they want you and need you. Meet their needs not yours. You are still the adult and parent no matter how you feel.

A Word to the Women
You may not have full custody of the children. Nothing says you have to or he is not equipped emotionally to provide care. You are not a failure or less of mother if your ex has custody. It may be in the best interest of the children. If you find you are not the full time custodial parent then you need to also set up a space in your home that is theirs. Read the "Word to Men" above - it can applies to any non-custodial parent.

A Final Word
Remember - if you are not done with relationship - the only way to can keep it alive is to fight over the kids, the money or the dog. If you see yourself doing this - STOP - this will not get you back the relationship you dream of and want. That is impossible. Let it go - learn from it and get on with life. The past is set - the future unknown - where do you rather live? In pain or joy. Pain is in the past - joy may be in the future.